It didn't hit me right away when I saw on Twitter that the lead singer of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington, killed himself. I had to get ready to bring Matt to school. When I came home, I listened to the This is Linkin Park album on Spotify and would occasionally read the updates and information being released on Chester on Twitter.
But it wasn't until tonight, when I'm feeling lost and small and insignificant and forgotten, that I can truly appreciate this song. This was the song Chester sang for his close friend, Chris Cornell, the lead singer of Soundgarden, who also had recently killed himself just this past May.
It just hurts to now listen to this song and realize that the song holds not just one light that was extinguished, but that of the voice of the person singing it too.
I wish I could say I turn to God and find strength in Him when I'm at that point. I was at that point, once. Just once and I knew I could have ended it all. But what sobered me up was knowing that I didn't want Matt to wake up the next day and hear that I was gone, and worse, by my own hands.
Chester had a lot to live for. He had his music, his incredible talent, and his kids. But, yeah, I guess the pain was just too much.
When it's hard to find a light in the dark, or just a hand to hold onto or to give a reassuring hug, it is easy to let go, after years of trying your best.
People on Twitter were tweeting one of Linkin Park's most popular songs and the lyrics: "I've come so far and tried so hard/But in the end it doesn't even matter."
I hope if anybody is reading this, and you ever find yourself in the dark on your own, consider this blog post, and this song, and anything, grab onto anything, take my hand, and consider this is as a hand to pull you out of the darkness. Or at least a friend to sit beside you and hug you as you cry.
The worst pain is when you don't have tears anymore and you're already numb. Find the tears. You have to break down. Because it is when you're numb, that you close your eyes and just let go.
I don't know what Chester went through. And I can only hope he and Chris and my favorite actor, Robin Williams, have found peace somehow. I hope they have found a way to get home.
And you, too, dear friend. I hope you find the light despite the darkness.